Falling

This is two months into falling. Two months of being 25, the year dad once foretold you should meet the right guy who you might eventually marry. Well Shisha, as usual, you took dad's words to heart and you've done some crazy dating. You went on several blind dates. Some were enjoyable, some made you self-conscious, some made you feel light-hearted, but one thing became very clear--your type. You like tall bilingual engineers. Some other things became evident as you fell in and out of touch with people-- close childhood friend, uni bros, ex best guy friend you always thought you should have probably dated, and then there was Cam. And oh buddy, you fell for Cam. He came out of nowhere from a random facebook message you wrote to congratulate on his writing which lead to a polite video call to make up for the past four years of complete negligence which somehow turned into maybe 20 more hours of heart-felt video calls and sleep deprivation not to mention you getting into amazing shape just from the sheer excitement and unsettlement of falling for someone, or maybe just for him. He answered a lot of your prayers and made you scared, petrified maybe. You have never been so scared for your heart, but nor has your heart ever felt so heard. With Cam's guidance, you indulge in romantic love, assisted by your horoscopes and blessed with prayers. Yes, you pray. You finally realize God has been listening to your heart all this time more than you yourself ever did. And Mom prays for you and Cam too. She is happy for you. So happy that you think she just wants to marry you off and doesn't value you as an independent woman that doesn't need a man. You don't, need a man but you definitely want a home and a family. Sadly, amid all the emotional rollercoasters, you're still the same insecure snobby bitch so you date other guys to make sure you still have a plan A to E, and then you push almost 24 year-old Cam to get too serious and he can't give what 25-year-old-ready-to-settle you wants, so then you go on a break. A break that screams your insecurities of people growing tired of you or losing interest in you. A break that exposes your immaturities. You really just want to give yourself ten days to prepare for what you think will be a bone-shattering fall. But you on day three you talk to irrationally romantic Grace who persuades you that the fall is about experiencing the magnificence of gravity and to learn to just spread your arms and enjoy the dive and maybe even learn to navigate your direction while plummeting. Your head knows what you're getting yourself into so you struggle and defy it but ultimately your heart wants Cam and your head, after whacking it silent, also wants to see where this impulse goes because, just because. Because your heart so rarely has a voice that now it's spoken up you want to listen. So you cut the break short and also your stay in Taipei. In your three days you feel like you're going through a breakup and can't really stand gram's constant need of company which you wish to provide but lack emotional capacity for because you are craving someone else's love and adoration, you start thinking more clearly and make the 'rational decision' to go back to work despite a 14 day quarantine because a 14 day quarantine no longer seems like an obstacle when you compare it to a guy so geographically and emotionally distant. You start to appreciate the irrational beauty of falling for someone in another country you knew four years ago who you have no way of being physical with during this pandemic. So you be irrational. You tell him you kinda miss talking to him and he says he really misses talking to you too and so, with heightened senses, you close your eyes and dive, hoping that there is no ground or ceiling to break the fall or your heart, or if there is, you'll just throw yourself to work and numb your heart again like you've done most of your life anyway.

Shisha this is a year you enjoy the fall. Fall in love. Fall in love with work, in love with God, in love with family, in love with a guy, in love with yourself. Know that whether or not you appreciate your medical degree, you are a doctor and you'll be able to put broken pieces back together if it comes to that but also, maybe, just maybe, the cement you've wrapped around your heart to keep others at bay has been so thick your heart is suffocated and muted. And the fall, the fall that cracks those cement walls, that shatter those boundaries, that go full force on the flesh, might just be what it needs to get beating again.