Be Shisha

I often wish I were what people expect of me and I judge myself by it. It's been hard to really appreciate myself as the person I am because subconsciously I feel like other people's versions of what I should be is better than the version of real me or even me-that-I-want-to-be. I beat myself up and I doubt myself for my own character and temperament. I am constantly self-reflecting and trying to improve myself because I never feel enough. And in conflicts or disagreements, I automatically feel guilty thinking that I am at fault, I'm the one with a bad personality, I'm the one that is too hard to get along with, I'm the one that doesn't know gratitude. I am sick of not feeling like I could be liked or accepted as I am.

I have been working on me, all of me, since I knew what interrelationships were and I try too hard to be criticized this harshly by anyone, especially myself. I AM ENOUGH. Anyone who feels differently should direct their expectations on someone who actually fits those expectations because I'm tried of it. Meeting your expectations should not be my burden to bear. But I can cross my heart and say that this me is the best me I can be. I work really hard to be this me. And I don't give myself enough credit.

I should like being this me, Shisha, and allow Shisha to just be Shisha. Shisha can feel for other people, whatever they've been through or have done to me, and I love that, I know Shisha exchanged a lot of tears for this skill. Shisha responds to unpleasant people usually by walking off because she believes in actively removing herself from negativity, I like that, Shisha puts a lot of effort to creating a positive aura and she doesn't easily allow people to ruin that. Shisha is less of a gym person who does HIIT and more of a hiking and random long walks followed by a good burger kinda gal, that's cool. Shisha finds little value in money in itself as appose to being able to earn it so she doesn't put up with people being patronizing after she's done what her work for the money knowing fully well that she deserved it, I respect that, Shisha did this so that she'd have fuck you money and never be at without financial security or independence. It's easy for Shisha to tap into other people's minds and know exactly what they want that she adjusts her behavior and attitude accordingly so that they feel attended and she uses it to her advantage if it's appropriate, I think that's such a useful ability Shisha took years to master. Shisha likes novels over scientific literature and likes whimsicality over order, and a lot of people have been motivated or inspired by her lifestyle. Shisha's relationships are often very unconventional and a lot of people feel almost too comfortable sharing their personal lives with her and people seek and find a lot of consolation and encouragement in her, I think that's interesting. Shisha is super unpredictable, even for herself and Shisha works hard to create a life that afford and allow that. All of this, took years of sel-work to cultivate. A lot of contemplation, rumination, reasoning, and too many hard learned lessons. I think Shisha has earned the right to be just as Shisha is. Shisha is enough for Shisha. Shisha can do and feel and act however she IS, she can be herself and she will be loved, appreciated, and valued all the same because Shisha is worthy of all those just as she is.