Turning 25

I’m currently going through a ‘quarter -life crisis’, which for anyone going through a mid-life crisis is probably going to sound absurd, but I’m turning 25 next month, and I have no job (unless you count being an underpaid resident doctor while getting my surgical masters a job), no decent income (ok so I can support myself but that’s probably just because I’m frugal), no partner I believe I can start a family with, and no clue as to where to go after I finish my masters. Don't get me wrong, I am immensely grateful for all the opportunities I've been blessed with that led me to this point in life, but the truth is I'm not satisfied with it. I expected so much more out of 25 year-old me and it's become evidently clear that that's just not going to happen. I'm aware that 25 really isn't old and that it's probably just the fear of the pandemic resonating with the uncertainties that were initially buried somewhere at the back of my mind but now out and about vibrating ferociously to the music of outcries. Along with the face masks that feel suffocating, staying at my parent’s house for too long, having no money which takes a toll at my ego, not getting my tax returned, and the too much extra time to go on social media and check out successful 'yappies' and influencers living what seems like the best life on youtube, eghhh.

Life.

I used to think 25 would be the year I'd have presciently paved a path to a bright future and the only thing left to do would be to tread on it, the stage where I could see my life getting better through hard work-- I'd have a well-paying job, I'd be married, I'd be living in the city I would eventually settle down in. But now, with COVID-19, everything has been put on hold, almost like someone pressed the 'pause' button only to leave the world unveiled at it's most unappealing state, and we're just stopped at our tracks to observe and mourn what humanity has become. So I curl up in my bed and come face to face with my desires and dreams all being reflected on a tiny screen in my cellphone via social media displayed under someone else's name.

Deep Breath.

I get that everyone's lives peak in plateau and there's no point in comparing, I'm also all for uplifting others and being happy for their success, but damn I would like me some of that glam too. Especially on these dreary days where everything is just looking dim, and though not all that glitters is gold, especially on social media, they still feel like too much of a contrast to my current dark state. Research shows that when in a bad mood, our brains are more inclined to grasp on to unpleasant memories. And I realize, in mortification, that if I continue like this, I will remember this period in remorse. I will beat myself up for not being productive and not taking action to be better at the very last days of my first quarter of life. So here I am documenting the life of soon to be 25 year-old me in all it's perfect imperfections so that in days when skies are grey and things look bleak, I can have an honest reflection of my life and ask myself 'What's not great? Is it ok that it's not great? If not, how can it be better?'

#25yearsold #coronavirus #anxieties